For the last few years, I have been working hard to discover my religion, my beliefs and everything in between. I have dedicated entries to my beliefs in the past and have my religion mapped out in the section labeled for myself.

One thing I rarely mention is my spiritual, deeper side. I have to say, it’s all because of my dear best friend Heather that I have this side and I will be forever grateful.

I would give anything to have herbal medication take place of all the other medicines out there. I do take non-herbal medication, but I can’t avoid that. I have medical issues, and they need taken care of. It’s not something I can work around, sadly, but I wish that wasn’t the case.

I had a small bag containing teeny, tiny dolls that remained under my mattress until we moved things around and it ended up lost. That bag was given to me by a friend when she went on vacation. The dolls are meant to represent all the worries one has so, when you go to sleep, or even lie in bed your worries are in the sack and not your head.

Those are the types of things I strongly believe in.

I’m constantly finding signs, but I’m not looking for them–they just happen. I do believe in coincidences, but I believe that signs are out there as well of what to come.

One thing that always represented my ex-boyfriend to me was Nightmare Before Christmas–specifically Jack, as it was his favorite character. Mike is an amazing artist and, once, drew this totally amazing picture of him which has always stayed in my memories. Well, I went on a mini shopping spree and, at Borders, they happened to have just one Jack figure on clearance for $5 instead of $20. I bought it, as I’m a gigantic fan of the movie and love Jack to bits, all memories of my ex aside. Since then, various moments in my life keep going back to him and his family, specifically to his family and his mother. I didn’t think of my ex when I bought it. I was just excited to get something so nice in one of my fandoms. But today, it all came together and I discovered why I kept receiving all of these signs pointing to them: my mother told me that, last night, she was with my ex’s mother and she gave my mother (to give me) a disk of photos she found that she thought I’d like. His mother never thinks about me, according to my mother.

I don’t come up in conversation ever, she never asks about me, it was all very random that she would even think to do that, but it meant a lot. I look forward to discovering what else all of these signs have in store for me as I’m sure there is something.

But my spirituality…

Heather had posted on her private journal a link to this website that sells stones that are meant to boost life in various ways and teas as well. A lot of people think those are all a load of crap, but that’s far from me. As soon as I have the funds to drop, I’m going there and buying myself some tea to help my health and other aspects of my life that could use a healthy boost.

One of my goals, again this year, is to be more healthy. I’ve always said I wanted to go running or work out, but I never did it. This year, I will do that. We have a treadmill in our basement that’s really nice and I should be using it. I do still dance frequently around myself, which is a very good work out, especially cardio.

I want to eat more healthy and organic, eat more pasta, eat less junk (a path I started on last year :)) and keep my life “cleaner.” I know I can do it.

I cut caffeinated drinks out of my life cold turkey when I was just 10. Yes, I drink Mtn Dew now, and I drink a lot of it. However, on the flip side, I know that I couldn’t do everything that I do without its help, especially when I’m working, attending class and doing a play. But I don’t eat a lot of junk in other ways. I rarely eat candy. Matter of fact, it’s weird when we even have candy in this house as my mother doesn’t eat it either. We keep a pint of my favorite ice cream in the freezer, but it takes me almost until it expires to finish it, and I’m quite proud of that.

I drink a lot of tea (more in the summer than winter, actually) and do my best to live in a healthy atmosphere. I like believing in a clean life in terms of keeping toxins out of my body the best I can, I like that I enjoy spirituality…I’ve quite settled into this new version of myself the last year.

The cleaner Hannah. The Hannah that is a lot more free, and the Hannah that keeps her heart open to anyone wanting to enter.

I just hope that I can keep on this path. I’d really like to try incense, and other spiritual related items to help my life out. I only get a chance to live once, so I might as well do the best I know how to with it, right?

I always knew my parents didn’t have a lot of friends and that my brother didn’t have a lot of friends once he hit college, but I never really understood why. There’s such a difference between high school and college, especially for people, like myself, that stay home and commute to college. The only people you see are the people in your classes, unless you hang around the student areas. But even then, it’s always the same people, I’ve noticed.

You do see people at work, but only if you have a job and it’s not like mine where I only see my boss. Other than that, being a grown up is kind of lonely. haha

I’ve found that the only friends I have are my close friends from college that stayed home (and Lauren), Heather (who lives in California, soon to be Colorado!!) and those I do theatre with. As I get older, I notice how adult friends/relationships work.

Guys are only met in school, theatre and while shopping.
New friends are only made in theatre.
School is filled with people in their mid to late twenties.
Finding a straight guy has become almost impossible everywhere.

Then, once you have the friend, maintaining that relationship…takes so much work. I made some amazing friends in the last show I did, a music revue, and I love them so much. But the chances of me really seeing them again are so small. Luckily, the one I grew to love the most lives literally two streets from me and is best friends with someone that’s like family that we see all the time. But the other two that I became close with are just so busy like myself that I doubt I’ll see them for quite a while.

This reality hit me after my last show, Bye Bye Birdie, ended. I had become very, very close with one of my cast mates and I have barely even talked to her since the last show. I’ve tried, she’s tried, but we’re too busy. The other person I became close with is in Dracula with me right now, which is absolutely amazing, but after this? Who knows when I’ll see him again, and he’s pretty awesome too.

But I’ve decided to make it one of my goals this year to make and keep friends. Friends who are at my level of maturity, who understand me and who will support me as much as I support them, aka 100%.

I feel like I’ve just grown so much since my break up with my dumb fuck of an ex. Oh! Speaking of him, remember me telling how he cheated on me? Well, it seems that the girl he cheated on me with broke up with him recently. What a great long-lasting relationship he got out of her! (They dated for roughly 5 months, if even.)

Here I am, a sophomore in college, and I’m really putting myself out there. I’ve been on a date (my very first, might I mention, with a guy I wasn’t dating). I’ve been getting out. I have a huge day trip to a big city nearby being planned with two of my friends and I’ve got my future all planned. I feel more confidant in myself than I ever have and I’m really striving to make myself the best person I can be.

Some times, I don’t think my maturity is a good thing, but this year, I’ve found it has made my life better in many ways.

I had been telling Heather for a while now that I was feeling lost. Not myself. Just kind of floating about waiting to figure myself out again. I’m going to guess it was all to do with not having my ex-boyfriend attached at my hip. Finally being free, able to grow. Only, I didn’t know how to do that. He and I had started dating when I was 17, still really young, and I had to make the college transition while he made the transition to his final year of high school. Not the easiest of tasks to go through together. At least, for us.

He went off and took the wrong path, in my opinion, down to barely graduating and hanging out instead of studying or focusing, while I found myself falling really hard down the path of depression, again. After escaping it some time in March, my ex broke up with me and, two months later, I discovered he had, in fact, cheated on me. Ass hole.

But I was spinning. Hanging out with friends every hour of every day. Working my butt off at school, home and at work, and losing my old self, leaving me confused until I finally found my actual self, that had been deep inside me waiting to finally break free: my adult self.

The last few weeks, I’ve seen a boy show interest in me that I am actually interested in. I don’t know what’s going to happen. If anything, I truly, truly want to be good friends with this guy. He’s just…amazing to say the least. And, to be honest, he’s helped me find myself again without even realizing it.

He kind of inspired me to dive right back into theatre. I mean, really dive. I’m in Bye Bye Birdie right now (we start performing on THURSDAY!), a musical revue and may possibly be doing Dracula. I don’t really know if Dracula is going to go through, but I’ve certainly got my fingers crossed.

In the mean time, I’m getting school again. Working hard, keeping everything together…I feel like I was a puzzle that hadn’t been put together correctly and now I’ve been fixed.

(I do love stupid metaphors.)

I’m hanging out with my friends in moderation, something I love as I’m very much an introvert. I’m spending a lot of time with my mom again, as well as making new friends through the theatre. I’m making enough money to have lots to do whatever with and I’m actually going on a mini vacation (mother and I are going to New York City two days after Thanksgiving on a bus with an old friend). I’m finally truly happy again. Granted, I was more than happy when Heather was here. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be happier than I was that week. But that’s beside the point. haha

This guy is magnificent. He makes me laugh, and that’s what I needed. I’ve been so serious and testy and everything since all of that lame drama with that ex. (Seriously, so, so lame.) Like I was in a box and just needed to break free and I have!!! I’m happy.

And I’ve become an adult. I’m dressing like one, taking out anything I can’t picture my older college friends wearing, and trying to dress fashionable, while being comfortable (it’s not as hard as you would think :)). And I’m spending a lot of time cleaning and doing homework. I’m very proud of where I am. I was proud of how quickly I got over that ex situation, but I’m even more proud of myself now.

It’s only been four months and, not only am I completely ready for another serious relationship, but I’m better than I ever was with that ex. Go me!

Oh, and I’ve started avidly playing video games again, as some Twitter followers may have noticed. I beat Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia in just a few days. And I’m about to start Castlevania: Circle of the Moon (I love Castlevania games ;3).

So, yay. Hannah’s back and better than EVER. What NOW!

I was watching one of my absolute favorite shows one day (Jon and Kate Plus and Kate said something I found intriguing, “I put the broccoli on the plate because, eventually, they will pick it up and chow down (or something along those lines).”

Some time later, I really started to think about it and realized that she’s right! My mother gave up on doing that, but I didn’t give up on doing that for myself. I used to eat at my ex-boyfriend’s house a lot and they ate some pretty odd things compared to my usual diet, and I would always put them on my plate. I didn’t always want to try them, but, some days, I did. One major one was peppers. They always ate peppers and I always put some on my plate, but didn’t eat them. Then, when I finally did, I discovered that I absolutely loved them, but that they made me very, very sick. I still ate and loved them, and that’s the point.

So, lately, I’ve been testing this theory on other things.

When Heather was in Ohio, we made a trip to a large shopping area where we stopped at Barnes and Noble because I had a gift card. I ended up leaving with a few great books including Jacqueline Woodson’s If You Come Softly. I decided to place that book in particular on my night stand. The first few days, I didn’t notice it sitting there but, after a while, I wanted to pick it up and read it.

I left my wall decals on my desk knowing that I needed to put them up at some point. I didn’t want to, but, eventually, because I kept seeing them, I did.

I’d like to test you to do the same. If you haven’t tried a food and are too scared to, but it on your plate any how. If you need to read something or get something done, set it out where you can see it, but not some place in your face and see if you do it or read it.

I’m curious to see how frequently this comes into play.

It’s funny. I’ve never outwardly appreciated my home and town until Heather got here. I’ve always loved it and never, ever taken it for granted, but still. I love getting to sick back and enjoy this place instead of having to rush around like the usual chicken with my head cut off.

But this week, so far, has been beyond blissful. First, there’s the beauty of having my other best friend around all the time. Second, I think the name “Harry Potter” sums it up. And third, the weather has been beautiful.

On top of all the amazement that is having Heather here, her eating habits are quickly being picked up by me. Mostly because I finally get the opportunity to sit around eating a banana and lemons with fresh, homemade lemonade. I feel refreshed, healthy and, best of all, ready to go back into the world. I was still mildly in the dark from my break up with my asshole of an ex-boyfriend, and I really feel free. I just feel like I can go to rehearsal strong. Hell! I do the song All I Ask of You in the musical revue I’m doing with a 30-year-old married guy with two little kids and I’m comfortable enough to have him stroke my cheek.

That is something that, before, I never would have been able to handle. No way in Hell.

Other than all of the deep thoughts and feelings that have been going back on to a happy autopilot, I’ve had a great time, and I think Heather and Lauren have as well. It’s like this was something we needed. Relief almost. Proof that we’re strong and that we do have each other, both offline and online.

Our friendship was something none of us have ever doubted, to my knowledge, but still. It’s just nice to know.

We have seen Harry Potter twice, once at the midnight release in full costume, and one at the drive in theatre in the bed of Jeremy’s truck. I’ve visited the craft store three times this week, and easily spent $40, but I don’t regret it, and now have a speeding ticket for $115 to get sent out almost immediately. Of course, since my boss hasn’t paid my for my last two weeks before this week, I don’t have it, so I’ve got to talk to mother tonight about having her pay it and me pay her back for both that and some of the Harry Potter stuff I had to buy. Total: $135. Talk about ugh. But whatever. I was honestly freaking out which caused me to speed and, of course, the cop had to pass me the only time I sped and when I was at the apparent “peak” of the speeding. Nothing I can help. It’s over and done with, and I’m having way too great of a time to let that get to me.

Tomorrow we have no definite plans, aside from to go to my final rehearsal before the dinner theatre/mini revue on Saturday and Saturday afternoon we’re supposed to be making a drive out to Boardman to hit up a vegan restaurant and the nicer mall.

I hate to think that Heather will be leaving in just three days, but these days have been more amazing than words can describe and I hope we get to do this every year or so. That would be amazing.

Now I’m off to eat more lemon slices and finish my banana while watching the History Channel and working on a new layout for a fanlisting.

Bliss is the word of the week.