I’m a good kid. I’ve always been a good kid. I did try alcohol and weed once, but I was kind of forced into both. It’s not my scene.

I don’t like underage drinking. I hate people that party and then let the partiers drive themselves home. I can’t comprehend the “party scene” type of people, and I don’t really understand clubs.

Maybe I’m just naive. Maybe I’m actually conservative and I never realized it until now.

I know for sure, however, that none of this stops me from having a good time. I don’t need alcohol to laugh, I have friends that do that for me.

If I need a “high” to keep me going, I start cleaning or do something that makes me happy like drawing or writing.

I was telling one of my friends in the cast of Chicago with me last night about this, and she said, “You know, good for you. Seriously. I wish more people thought like you.”

I quickly discovered that I’m not the only one in the world that is like this, even though a lot of people just assume the majority parties.

My addiction? Adrenaline.

I feed off of the adrenaline I get playing video games, or performing, or even just learning and doing choreography. I love memorizing lines and stressing myself out. Perhaps that makes me a masochist, but I enjoy all of this because, at the end of the day, I’ve accomplished something great.

Some times I end up in the fetal position crying myself to sleep thinking about everything I have to do in the morning, but, usually, I’m smiling to myself going, “I can’t believe I got all that done.”

I’ve tried living my life simply. When I was with my ex, I didn’t do anything for a long time but hang out with him (aka watch TV and movies, and him play video games). Looking back at those times, I had fun, but I was bored out of my mind. I was more depressed then than any other time in my life, aside from when my father left.

When I was watching Bethenney Getting Married? on Bravo, Bethenney said something like, “I never thought it was possible to have everything I’ve ever wanted, but then I got it all at once.” I wonder if my life is like that–the first part of the sentence, I mean. Being straightlaced makes some things difficult.

The search for a boyfriend and even friends can be difficult when so many around me love to party. I just can’t do it. I tried to be a partier when my ex and I were together, but it wasn’t me. I’ll forever be a nerd, and I’m now damn proud of that. If I can simply find a guy that accepts me for all the weird things I love and am, I’ll have found my perfect match.

But, in the last year, every time I thought I found one, he turned out to be heavily into drugs or alcohol, and simply hid it from me. It really stinks that this has to be such a major part of my life in a way, but I’m glad that I’m as much of a “goody two shoes” as I am.

In the last few months, I learned that partying all the time was something I could avoid in all types of relationships. I can, in fact, just be myself. I met the most amazing group of people through theatre/improv at my campus that are just like me. Some times, they do casually drink, but they’re over 21 and they only have a beer or a glass of wine. My only wish is that I had found these people sooner.

They’ve made me feel like such a cool person for exactly who I am. They love that I attend anime cons in cosplay, that my drink of choice is Code Red, and that I’m majoring in Computer Technology because my favorite thing outside of theatre is technology. The best part? They accept all my eccentricities and flaws with hugs and smiles. When I trip over absolutely nothing, they tell me I’m cute. When I don’t know the meaning of something like a drug, they laugh and explain it to me. They don’t make fun of me. They actually like me.

In my 20 years of existence, this is kind of a first. Friends that don’t like drinking. Friends that like me. My hope is that these people never leave my life and that we can find more epically amazing people to add to our tight knit “family.”

Be who you are, not who others want you to be.

I started my second Spring semester this week and discovered that I cannot stand lectures with a ton of other students–especially students that aren’t on the same intellectual levels. D: And when I say that, I don’t mean it to say I’m super smart, because I’m not. I’m pretty average…but I’m really good at math and science. I find that it’s difficult for all when everyone is on a different level. Then, the professor has to either dumb things down leaving the students that know what they’re doing bored or makes it too difficult leaving those that don’t catch on as fast lost and confused. I would think that professors would just teach everything in the middle, but no one I’ve had has.

Then, there’s the professor that drones on and on and never has a sense of humor to break up the lecture making it less boring. I realize that, as a student, it is your job to focus and pay attention, but, for example, I have a 2.5 hour history lecture and I love history. However, I cannot stay focused on that lecture for that long. Luckily for me this time, the professor gives us a break halfway through and is really nice. She also breaks it up by walking around the room more to make us look in different places and is always looking to us to interject with things we know about the topic which makes the class more fun.

But I’ve had some classes, like my Algebra class last year, where the professor stays in one spot the entire class, ignores questions and interjections and drones the entire time. It’s exhausting. D:

I have had some that were really great–like my theatre classes. I had one that was basically just the history of the theatre, which wasn’t boring at all! The professor had a sense of humor easily keeping us on our toes and, from time to time, giggling in my seat. Some readers may be thinking, “Yes, Hannah, but you love theatre!” Granted, that’s true, but I also love history, science and math as much. Heck, I’d say that comparing the history of theatre and math, I love math more.

In the end, I always find myself disliking most lectures. I’ve only enjoyed my theatre lecture and semi-enjoyed my English lecture.

In other news, my ex boyfriend might be entering my life again. It’s complicated, as was anything with this boy, but he’s been friendly towards our group again, and I’m willing to welcome him with open arms. The only person I would never let back into my life: my father. But everything he’s done is totally unforgivable. There’s just no way that man can be in my life again. My ex boyfriend just had a small moment of being an ass and then we went our separate ways. Nothing unforgivable. (FYI, it takes a lot to do something I wouldn’t forgive.)

But I do have to drop my one science class. Online, it said there was a lab, but there isn’t and I need a science with a lab. I’m trying to get into this Biology class that Nicole is in, but it’s full. I’ve emailed the professor, but I really don’t think it’s going to happen. So I’ve got to find another lab. But all of that means that I’m only able to work Fridays, which kind of sucks as I’d like the money. However, I can’t do anything about it. School is always first and, honestly, my job is kind of last. As long as I’m able to work like 3 hours a week, I’m totally good in terms of what I need.

Speaking of that job, I need to head there now. I’m going to get another quick snack and head off. I told her I’d be there at 1:30 at the earliest, but there was no way. I didn’t even get home until after 1 and I still needed to eat, plus it takes 12-ish minutes to make it to work.

For the last few years, I have been working hard to discover my religion, my beliefs and everything in between. I have dedicated entries to my beliefs in the past and have my religion mapped out in the section labeled for myself.

One thing I rarely mention is my spiritual, deeper side. I have to say, it’s all because of my dear best friend Heather that I have this side and I will be forever grateful.

I would give anything to have herbal medication take place of all the other medicines out there. I do take non-herbal medication, but I can’t avoid that. I have medical issues, and they need taken care of. It’s not something I can work around, sadly, but I wish that wasn’t the case.

I had a small bag containing teeny, tiny dolls that remained under my mattress until we moved things around and it ended up lost. That bag was given to me by a friend when she went on vacation. The dolls are meant to represent all the worries one has so, when you go to sleep, or even lie in bed your worries are in the sack and not your head.

Those are the types of things I strongly believe in.

I’m constantly finding signs, but I’m not looking for them–they just happen. I do believe in coincidences, but I believe that signs are out there as well of what to come.

One thing that always represented my ex-boyfriend to me was Nightmare Before Christmas–specifically Jack, as it was his favorite character. Mike is an amazing artist and, once, drew this totally amazing picture of him which has always stayed in my memories. Well, I went on a mini shopping spree and, at Borders, they happened to have just one Jack figure on clearance for $5 instead of $20. I bought it, as I’m a gigantic fan of the movie and love Jack to bits, all memories of my ex aside. Since then, various moments in my life keep going back to him and his family, specifically to his family and his mother. I didn’t think of my ex when I bought it. I was just excited to get something so nice in one of my fandoms. But today, it all came together and I discovered why I kept receiving all of these signs pointing to them: my mother told me that, last night, she was with my ex’s mother and she gave my mother (to give me) a disk of photos she found that she thought I’d like. His mother never thinks about me, according to my mother.

I don’t come up in conversation ever, she never asks about me, it was all very random that she would even think to do that, but it meant a lot. I look forward to discovering what else all of these signs have in store for me as I’m sure there is something.

But my spirituality…

Heather had posted on her private journal a link to this website that sells stones that are meant to boost life in various ways and teas as well. A lot of people think those are all a load of crap, but that’s far from me. As soon as I have the funds to drop, I’m going there and buying myself some tea to help my health and other aspects of my life that could use a healthy boost.

One of my goals, again this year, is to be more healthy. I’ve always said I wanted to go running or work out, but I never did it. This year, I will do that. We have a treadmill in our basement that’s really nice and I should be using it. I do still dance frequently around myself, which is a very good work out, especially cardio.

I want to eat more healthy and organic, eat more pasta, eat less junk (a path I started on last year :)) and keep my life “cleaner.” I know I can do it.

I cut caffeinated drinks out of my life cold turkey when I was just 10. Yes, I drink Mtn Dew now, and I drink a lot of it. However, on the flip side, I know that I couldn’t do everything that I do without its help, especially when I’m working, attending class and doing a play. But I don’t eat a lot of junk in other ways. I rarely eat candy. Matter of fact, it’s weird when we even have candy in this house as my mother doesn’t eat it either. We keep a pint of my favorite ice cream in the freezer, but it takes me almost until it expires to finish it, and I’m quite proud of that.

I drink a lot of tea (more in the summer than winter, actually) and do my best to live in a healthy atmosphere. I like believing in a clean life in terms of keeping toxins out of my body the best I can, I like that I enjoy spirituality…I’ve quite settled into this new version of myself the last year.

The cleaner Hannah. The Hannah that is a lot more free, and the Hannah that keeps her heart open to anyone wanting to enter.

I just hope that I can keep on this path. I’d really like to try incense, and other spiritual related items to help my life out. I only get a chance to live once, so I might as well do the best I know how to with it, right?

I’ve learned a lot about impressions this last year. The most obvious example to anyone that knows me is my ex. I started off, when we first met, intimidated by him and wanting to stay away due to rumors. Granted, rumors are never something anyone should believe, but I was really young and immature, so I let them get to me.

I got to know him online of all places, we hung out more at school and at my house, and, before I knew it, we were together for almost two years. We had a perfect relationship, still, in my eyes and in the eyes of those closest to us. Apparently, it wasn’t in his. He cheated on me, I didn’t believe it to be true, fell for his lies, let it go and, in the end, he turned out to be a complete jerk to me. I don’t want to say he’s a bad person because I don’t think that he is. I think his heart was somewhere else, and he couldn’t admit that to me or any of us, so he needed an escape, and he, I’m sure, is very happy now. I, at least, hope that he’s very happy.

I don’t want this entry to be about stories of people because that’s just kind of awkward. XD

But impressions…

I’ve tried hard the past few years now to not let first impressions get to me. I give people the benefit of the doubt. A lot of people tell me that this is a bad thing, but I don’t believe that. I want to have an open mind and keep my mind as open as I can muster.

I can’t stand it when someone starts a rumor, people and friends of theirs follow that rumor and the person the rumor is about ends up alone and completely shunned. I’ve seen this too many times both online and offline, and I’ve been the victim of it. Most everyone I’m friends with has dealt with this in some way, and that’s just a terrible thing.

Rumors are crap. That’s another thing I avoid. I can’t stand rumors. If I find a rumor spreading, I do everything I can to stop it, or correct it, or anything I can do. It just makes me so frustrated!

Why do people find the need to spread them? Why create them?
My mom has always told me that a big reason is usually jealousy.

Now, I have to be honest, I have never understood why anyone would be jealous of me. I’m not that smart. I have a great work ethic, but that’s it. I’m honest, yes, but I don’t have a lot of money. I’m not the greatest artist, nor do I have that ideal perfect life.

I haven’t talked to my father (VERY happily) for years now, my brother and I are touch and go, though I love him to pieces, I’m very single, and my best friends don’t live nearby. I do understand why people would be jealous of the strength I have in my voice. That’s something…I luckily ended up with. If you heard my parents’ and brother’s voices, you’d see it’s all genetic. It has to be. But I don’t gloat about it ever. I actually try to hide it when I can. I don’t want to obnoxiously stand out.

And some times, people take my vocal strength and think that I’m a cocky little jerk. o_O I actually made a friend back in August and she flat out told me, “Hannah, I thought you were a bitch. I’m glad you proved my impressions wrong.” I asked her what led her to think that, “Well, you’re really quiet, always seem to be thinking and are loud when singing and stuff. It seemed like you were really stuck up.” I never knew that being quiet made me seem cocky, but I was being quiet so people wouldn’t take me for someone who is really into themselves.

I have just as much confidence as the majority of the world. Aka…not much. XD I’m okay with that, though. I have a lot of confidence in some things, but I don’t let that out.

I guess this entry is in hopes of others realizing that impressions aren’t anything. Opening your heart even just a little to people can make you find the beauty in those you might not have seen before.

If I spent my life so far with my heart closed, I wouldn’t have the friends I have now, and I have the best friends in the world.

I always knew my parents didn’t have a lot of friends and that my brother didn’t have a lot of friends once he hit college, but I never really understood why. There’s such a difference between high school and college, especially for people, like myself, that stay home and commute to college. The only people you see are the people in your classes, unless you hang around the student areas. But even then, it’s always the same people, I’ve noticed.

You do see people at work, but only if you have a job and it’s not like mine where I only see my boss. Other than that, being a grown up is kind of lonely. haha

I’ve found that the only friends I have are my close friends from college that stayed home (and Lauren), Heather (who lives in California, soon to be Colorado!!) and those I do theatre with. As I get older, I notice how adult friends/relationships work.

Guys are only met in school, theatre and while shopping.
New friends are only made in theatre.
School is filled with people in their mid to late twenties.
Finding a straight guy has become almost impossible everywhere.

Then, once you have the friend, maintaining that relationship…takes so much work. I made some amazing friends in the last show I did, a music revue, and I love them so much. But the chances of me really seeing them again are so small. Luckily, the one I grew to love the most lives literally two streets from me and is best friends with someone that’s like family that we see all the time. But the other two that I became close with are just so busy like myself that I doubt I’ll see them for quite a while.

This reality hit me after my last show, Bye Bye Birdie, ended. I had become very, very close with one of my cast mates and I have barely even talked to her since the last show. I’ve tried, she’s tried, but we’re too busy. The other person I became close with is in Dracula with me right now, which is absolutely amazing, but after this? Who knows when I’ll see him again, and he’s pretty awesome too.

But I’ve decided to make it one of my goals this year to make and keep friends. Friends who are at my level of maturity, who understand me and who will support me as much as I support them, aka 100%.

I feel like I’ve just grown so much since my break up with my dumb fuck of an ex. Oh! Speaking of him, remember me telling how he cheated on me? Well, it seems that the girl he cheated on me with broke up with him recently. What a great long-lasting relationship he got out of her! (They dated for roughly 5 months, if even.)

Here I am, a sophomore in college, and I’m really putting myself out there. I’ve been on a date (my very first, might I mention, with a guy I wasn’t dating). I’ve been getting out. I have a huge day trip to a big city nearby being planned with two of my friends and I’ve got my future all planned. I feel more confidant in myself than I ever have and I’m really striving to make myself the best person I can be.

Some times, I don’t think my maturity is a good thing, but this year, I’ve found it has made my life better in many ways.